| tell me i'm worth the air that i breathe |
[04 Jun 2006|03:13am] |
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lies last forever its the truth you cant convince anyone of. it seems as if ive fucked up my life beyond repair and there is no saving it. nothing i can do can make this turn around. i havent got the money, the motivation, the time or the heart. im stuck. maybe the odds are just stacked against me. ive tried everything i can but ive got cuts on my hands from hanging on too tight. im tired of being chased away from the few things i have to hold onto. and once im gone im soon replaced by someone that makes it easy to forget about me. and i am forgetable. a split second decision that could no less than rip a hole in time and have an impact on everyone. there is a black cloud constantly over my head that makes my wrists ache for relief. one wrong word, one wrong move, and i forget everything good and all i can see is the bad. and if my life continues so does the pain and the repetitiveness. worthlessness. every single thing that ever had a meaning to me now is someone elses. memories in the form of a postcard on the fridge with smiles saved from better days for the worst ones ahead. those memories smiling back at you that once seemed joyful now seem to be mocking you and where you are at now. who ever wants someone with more problems than an algebra book. i hope that its convincing. i hope that its...
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| i've been missing sunrises trying to forget sunsets. |
[07 May 2006|03:52am] |
there's a point you reach in your life where you realize you've got to give up on something. on someone. the same things keep happening over and over and they'll pulling you down a little lower everytime. pretty soon if you don't let go it's going to drag you under. misery isn't a mood it's an action. getting caught in a lie and pretending it didn't happen rather than explain it. cause there is no explaination. this is a little like bending over backwards until back breaks from trying to help everyone out- then being shocked you're stuck with the hospital bill and no one pitches in to help you out. but it's a lot more like robbing a bank with a friend and them bailing out the back while you're froze stiff at the sound of sirens.
your friends aren't really friends and when you try to explain it there's a pill to shut you up. there's a prescription to make you likeable at least for a little while. you rub blistered hands over tired eyes and hope by the time your sight focuses again so can you. sometimes. sometimes i think about all the times i've been two feet away from an exit door, and karma seems to be all that keeps me alive and you never let karma down.
this is here because i know where the line is drawn. this is here because i don't want to bring real problems into a fictional world. when, shouldn't it be the other way around? i dunno.
i'm barely even famous and already i know there's people that don't know you that will drag your name down out of jealousy or just to fit in cause everyone else is hating. it's funny how people that have never spoke to you once will listen to rumors and stay away/shit talk. i guess it's hard to realize this sometimes but people like that you are better off not knowing anyway. rumors weed them out.
i'm barely a writer and i already know writing is to create windows and doors to escape your problems in fiction where reality has corners and deadends. now just to figure out what to do with barred windows.
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| kisses on my shoulder. |
[14 Dec 2005|01:08am] |
one right below my ear.
my hand roaming down your back trying to see that you exist.
it's all in my head but it's safer that way.
you can only lie so long before you're walked on.
stepped over.
put the book on the shelf.
let the dust settle.
close my eyes and remember the way the door slammed shut for the last time and i knew i'd be alone forever.
even every time i am with someone else.
besides.
they'll just love me for what i seem to be.
not what i really am.
and i'll remember the way you were different, even if it was just in my mind.
this way.
this is.
just me and you.
without you.
set me straight.
i'm a mess.
she's the shore and you're the ocean.
i'm only ever a passing thought.
i'm just fancy words that make you feel like somebody.
that make you think of somebody else.
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| there is nothing better than a pair of jeans that was once too small fitting you perfectly |
[06 Dec 2005|10:22pm] |
outside snow covers the ground thick like you lay it on. like lies cover mistakes. so now we can cue the fake smiles and wipe away the real tears. i called this predictable but it's more like scripted. rehearsed. planned out or out planned? there's no need to look at your watch, you know when it's time to boast, "i'm over her" like you mean it. dry your eyes when the cameras are off. don't let them catch you slipping. no one wants to be alone even when they're screaming to be left be. it's just a trick. people watch the news so they can think "thank god i'm not that person". i'm that person. no one wants to know what bothers you when they're in a good mood. only when they're down so they aren't as alone. misery loves company, and you're the host seating tonight's guests at the tables you want them at. orchestrated down to a tee or the removal of one. makeitlooksorealthatithurts. there's no more checking away messages or PMs. there's nothing to see anymore. it's more of a stakeout than a three-ring circus but it feels more like the latter. waititout. but wait for what? i'm alone on this one. it's just me from here out. i just wish i knew who i was and less of what i'm expected to be. maybe the fresh air will make me choke. maybe it will make you choke too. this is the kind of joke no one actually laughs at unless they're slowly losing their mind. the same way those games you play make me laugh. guess you can show this event off to your friends that always said you don't need that person they tagged a loser from day one. sorry for that. sorry for wasting so much time when we only get so little to begin with.
quickly it switched from who could hang on the tightest to who could let go the hardest, the most noticed. in that case i think we both win this time.
makeitfeelsorealthatithurts.
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| onlyfriends. |
[05 May 2005|07:43pm] |
forever is two letters and five bullets short of happening... your lips are moving but all i can hear is "let's make this a night to forget." i've got a gun with your name on it but it's aimed at my head. if i don't get out of this alive it'll leave me dead. friends told me this was a waste and i used to say "that's just garbage." we're not living out a white trash dream we're dying from it. we're just falling apart at the seams and it seems they were never that tight. this is one time i'll be proved right. i used to wish my skin was as thick as yours but now i know where it's been. now i want out where i used to want in. you're trying to make friends with my enemies cause that's all you have left, but i'm not one for sweating bullets when i can be shooting them instead. staring blanks or shooting them at your feet. just enough to keep you on your toes and off your back like you always are. you make breathing a bad habit i want to quit. i'll just quit wasting breath on you. you can't stand the fact i can stand on my own. i don't need you to keep me grounded so you can walk all over me. you said i'd never make it on my alone, but i'm the one not answering the phone. this time i'm not hung up on you, i'm just hanging up on you.
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petey's journal